I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
