The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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