a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
