Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
