I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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