Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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