People in love make me want to vomit
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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