where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize