Can i not drive my cunt home
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
