She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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