Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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