grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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