I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
