So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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