Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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