maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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