I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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