I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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