Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
