I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
