His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
