I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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