Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
