Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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