I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just blew my weed a kiss
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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