Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
