I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
