Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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