Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
