I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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