Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
