Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
