Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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