i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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