and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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