The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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