Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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