fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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