I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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