anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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