i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
