there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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