matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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