It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
