I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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