and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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