Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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