Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
