who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
