Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
