I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
