wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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