Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I will be naked everywhere
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
