i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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