he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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