you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
